Monday, July 20, 2009

4 Mile Power Push


I am a runner. I tell myself that I like to run. I regularly run to (a) get outside, (b) have some time to myself and (c) stay in shape. But, the truth is that I don't really like running. Running is hard. It's hard to get yourself started and it's hard to stay where you are. Missing a week of running is like dropping out of school mid-semester and then sitting for the final exam - at least for me it is. When it's hot outside my head throbs with pressure and I sweat like a you-know-what in church. When it's cold outside my lungs feel like they are encased in ice, fighting for each breath. My left knee is starting to feel tender after too many consecutive days of running (perhaps a symptom of nearing the big 3-0?) Sometimes, after a particularly bad (or good, depending on your perspective) run I feel like throwing up. And, I occasionally get side cramps - although those usually are an outcome of missing a week or two of running.

So, you may be asking yourself, why do I run?!?

If my goals are to (a) get outside, (b) have time to myself and (c) stay in shape, there are other activities that satisfy those criteria without the garish side effects. Laying by the pool, getting a pedicure, taking a fun group exercise class are just a few that come to mind.

Believe it or not, I actually had an epiphany about why I run during one of my runs. I run because it is a challenge and it's not easy.

When I run I feel very powerful. My head is clear at the end of a run. My body has been put to the test and my mind feels like it has accomplished something great. Recently I drove my course to see how many miles I was actually logging. (Judgement of any type of distance is not exactly a strength of mine!) I was delighted to discover that my entire round trip run was exactly four miles!! This was much longer than I thought I was running and I was absolutely proud of myself for going the distance.

Since I've calculated the actual mileage of my run, I've found myself running extra streets and adding loops to my course to add distance and challenge myself even more. Maybe this is why running is a perfect match for me. I'm competitive - even with myself. I like to push myself, take on something new and give it a try. If my legs are running four miles comfortably, than heck, they should be able to run five, right? And when they do run five, it's a feeling of accomplishment that stays with me the entire day - no matter what obstacles that day holds in store.

In the end, to be entirely cliche, you could honestly say that I have a love/hate relationship with running. I hate actually running - but I'm in love with how it makes me feel!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

A Perfect Puzzle


Sometimes I feel as though my life is a great big puzzle. At some point or another it seems like my puzzle is blissfully complete, and then, undeniably a piece goes missing or is taken away. The pieces that matter the most are always there: my loving husband, my incredibly smart and sassy daughter and my irresistibly sweet son. Likewise, there are pieces of me that belong to titles like daughter, sister, friend, mother, employee, etc. The list goes on and on. Lately, the two pieces that seem to puzzle me the most is the “Mom” piece versus the “Career” piece. It doesn’t seem like there is adequate space for both pieces in my puzzle and I just know that can’t be true.


So here's an age-old question for you: why is it that when you have children you are forced to make a decision between being a mom and having a fulfilling career outside of the home? I know there are millions of working mothers who are successful in their jobs and are great mothers to boot. But somewhere deep inside even the most organized, together, multi-tasking mommy there is some type of guilt associated with either her kids or her career. Why is the grass always greener?


Recently I’ve had the opportunity to be on both sides of the equation. I’ve been the full-time working mother who has to drop her children off at daycare in the morning, pick them up in the evening only in time for dinner, baths and bedtime. I’ve pined for a day with my kids where I can do nothing but clean the house, play with the little ones and make dinner for my family. Then, out of nowhere I got my wish. Well, in a sort of roundabout way called losing your job. All of a sudden I found myself home 24/7 with the kids and I loved it. Yes, there were incredibly glowing moments where I thought to myself how could I ever go back to work and leave these darlings with someone else again?? And, there were the insanely trying moments where I thought to myself I need a job NOW!! But overall, the glowing moments won out over the trying ones and I loved it.


Here’s what sucks about being a stay-at-home mom. The paycheck. This is undoubtedly the hardest job ever, and it pays nothing! So while I’m at home enjoying my children I can’t get rid of the nagging thought in the back of my head that if I went back to work I’d be providing for my family financially, which would lead to stability and security for my kids. What I've discovered though is it’s a catch 22. In my puzzle, to date, it seems like there are only two scenarios that fit:


a) We can have money in the bank and I'm providing a secure upbringing for my family, but I don’t get to take my three-year old to preschool. (In fact, in this scenario she doesn’t even get to go to preschool because it’s only a half day and I’d be at work.) I don’t get to watch my baby boy learn new things every day and I'd miss the moments that matter the most to any mother.


b) I stay home with my kids. I'm the one who makes daily decisions about how they are raised. I make memories with them, I work with them and play with them and take them to do cool things and provide them with an involved, loving mother. But, we're struggling to make ends meet. In fact, while I have all the time in the world to shuttle my kids around to sports and activities, we don't have the disposable income to enroll them in the first place. And in this scenario it's best to not even think ahead too far down the road to college - I would give myself an ulcer by the time my youngest turns two!


Arghhh!! See how frustrating this is?? It's so annoying because it's black and white and these days there is ample room for some gray area. I have a perfect solution in my head. In theory, I work a few days a week either outside of the home or from home doing what I love and what I'm good at. I'm earning pretty good money for a part-timer because I'm a trusted professional who is not sacrificing the quality of her work, just the actual hours she works. And, on my off days I am fully there for my kids, mind and body. With this solution comes financial support for my family, emotional support for my kids, professional fulfillment for me and a happy wife for my husband!! ;) WHY then is this so hard to find??


So I'm going to keep plugging away at completing my puzzle. I know that my puzzle will never be completely finished. I will always be changing and growing and wanting different things out of life that will adjust my perfect puzzle. But for now, I'm going to keep my eye on the prize and keep trying to land my dream situation. Taking a full-time job at this point seems like defeat. But not looking for any opportunities at all seems equally defeating. Here's to all the professional, intelligent, hard-working mothers out there trying to make everyone (including themselves) happy!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

The Secret Keeper


For as long as I can remember I have been the listener, the giver of advice, the mediator, and the keeper of secrets. I don't know why exactly people feel like they can come to me with their problems, frustrations and secrets...but it happens all the time. I've often quipped that I must have a sign on my forehead that says "tell me your problems" because I'm not just talking about my sister, my best friends, etc. - this happens with colleagues, acquaintances and sometimes even perfect strangers while standing in line at the checkout counter.

It's a role that I relish and despise at the same time. I cherish the fact that my friends and family think to come to me when they have a problem and seek my advice. I love that my loved ones know that I will genuinely listen to them and keep the details to myself. I hate that when a petty argument or even a legitimate fight breaks out among friends, I am the person both sides come to when they want to vent about the other. And, I despise when coworkers have nothing better to do than complain about someone else - you guessed it, because they complain to me - both of them, about each other nonetheless!!

Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel myself. I vent, I complain and I get upset over petty arguments. I know who and what my outlets are to release my stress when it's at breaking point. But I've also learned my lesson more than a few times in my nearly 30 years. And what I've learned is this: it's absolutely okay to vent your anger and frustrations to someone else. But, be forewarned that you should really know and trust your "ventee." Your work friends are tricky because you do spend many waking hours with them, but when push comes to shove, they are your work friends and they will always put themselves first when it comes to protecting their livelihoods. Furthermore, gossip grows like weeds when it comes to circles of friends - and I'm talking mostly about women here! If you choose to vent about one of your friends to another friend in your same circle - just know that more often than not it will come back to bite you in the butt.

I sometimes think about all the stuff I know about other people, because they've told me themselves. I'm not holding hugely earth-shattering secrets here, but in a lot of cases I have the inside scoop on what's going on around me. I think to myself that these friends and family members and colleagues and acquaintances of mine have been lucky. They are lucky because they have chosen to confide in me (whether they should or shouldn't have in the first place!) because I am trustworthy and I will keep the dirty little secrets to myself. If that's my God-given role, well, I'm going to be good at it.